12 Ways Gardeners Are Not Normal
It occurred to me one day while inspecting the butt hairs of a lawn grub that gardeners are not normal people.
We gardeners tend to pay attention to things that “regular” people don’t, we don’t notice odors that regular people do, and we often engage in activities that would curl the skin of Miss Manners.
Here’s a 12-point test to determine whether you might be, well, an “obsessed” gardener:
A little bad weather is no reason to stop mulching.
1.) You mulch during a driving rain storm and don’t even notice that the rain has turned to hail.
2.) Darkness doesn’t mean it’s time to quit planting the begonias. It means it’s time to get out the spotlights.
3.) When you get together with friends, you end up spending two hours debating the merits of Heuchera.
4.) You find yourself going to a coffee shop not to order a latte but to ask the manager if you can have spent coffee grounds for your compost pile. Or you go to the barber not to get your hair cut but to ask for sweepings that you can use as a rabbit repellent.
5.) You catch yourself salivating while looking at the Baker Creek Heirloom Seeds catalog.
6.) You can’t take a walk in any neighborhood without noticing that the hollies are planted too closely to the foundation and that the orange zinnias clash with the pale-blue shutters.
7.) You measure the quality of a day by how dirty your socks are and how tired your back is.
It must have been a good day in the garden.
8.) You view a big pile of rotting horse manure not as a smelly, fly-attracting eyesore but as a fantastic free new resource.
9.) You plan your vacation to work around when the tomatoes are ripening and when it’s time to mulch.
10.) You’re so focused on weeding, watering, and planting that you forget to eat lunch. And dinner.
11.) You find yourself aimlessly wandering around the houseplant section of a greenhouse in January, just to get a “green fix.”
12.) You break your foot while edging but keep going under the premise that you can still push down with the unbroken one.
If you can relate to five or fewer of those, there’s still hope. You are still partly sane.
If you relate to between six and 11, you are already obsessed. At least you’re not alone.
If you relate to all 12, go to a psychiatrist and get help immediately… after you’re done watering the garden, of course.
